....did you ever have a fight that made you think about your marriage and if this is gonna work? I ask my frail aunt living with the debilitating symptoms of dementia. Well....it wasn't really a fight, but I did have a confrontation with him about his job once, she replied. My uncle had a great job working on the 'dew line' (a government position of defense) up north that required him to be away from home for long periods. He came home on one of his weeks off and I just told him he couldn't go back to work...she replied.. see...the kids didn't know who he was when he came home and I didn't like that, she continued. What did he do I asked? Well ...I think at first he didn't think I was serious but we didn't fight about it because it was a fact and I just stated it, she said quietly! My soft spoken Aunt is so calm , I very seldom have seen her angry ....ever. These two are my favorite aunt and uncle and they have shown me such dedication and caring towards each other that I have never seen in anyone else.
My uncle never had to do anything in the house, like washing clothes or cooking or cleaning. My aunt held down a fulltime job and my cousins , they had twin girls and an older brother and sister, were a handful. I'm sure he did other stuff I guess because it takes two people to make a marriage work. My aunt always seemed to take a special interest in me when I was younger because my mom had six of us to raise after she left my dad when I was twelve, the oldest. I think she felt sorry for me because I was always looking after my brothers and sisters my youngest brother was only a baby. They lived close and I liked spending time there (away from all those kids...lol). I also looked up to my Uncle , he is only 7 years older than me, but he was always my idol.
What are you two talking , about my uncle asks, from the kitchen where he is making lunch for us. All your shortcomings I answer back with a laugh. You know , my aunt lowers her voice...he is so good to me , I've told him he doesn't have to do all this, she says. He won't even listen to the idea of putting me in a home...she says with such devotion. She is right , my uncle doesn't even consider this an option. At each stage of development of this insidious disease he tackles it singlehandedly along with my aunt with grace and such humour. Maybe that is the saving grace , we laugh a lot during my visit. My aunt has a new development, there is nothing wrong with her eyes but the disease has short-circuited signals to her brain and she is losing her ability to see.
Years ago my uncle took up scuba diving and my aunt is deathly afraid of water. He always patiently held her hand while in the water and never left her side until she was comfortable beside him. Her eyesight was so poor that she couldn't see all the colourful fauna and fish while snorkeling because she couldn't wear her glasses, so he figured out a way for her to see. He had a mask special made for her with the glass finely ground to aid her eyesight! He cared that she should enjoy as well, all that he could see.
Ok...are you two ready for lunch? he calls out from the kitchen. He helps my aunt out of the easy chair and she puts a hand on his shoulder and follows him to the kitchen. Think we should go to the bathroom he says? oh ..why not , she replys and says to me "we do everything together now" laughing! As we are seated she tells me how this once useless man around a washing machine now does everything around the house. How does my hair look, she says...I say not good and they both bust out laughing. I am kidding of course, he washes and blow drys her hair everyday! She has shoulder length blonde/grey hair.
My aunt is so funny and we laugh out loud about all the dumb things that pop up and some poignant ones as well. We reminisce about our younger days (I am growing older along with them) how she borrowed grampas car and her and I went looking for my friends to celebrate my 16th birthday because she thought I deserved to have a party and she was determined to give me one! Every girl should have a 16th birthday party she said .... (see, we lived on welfare because my dad didn't send support money to my mom) so we maybe didn't have money for anything else but basics I guess.
Was there any indication that anything was wrong or what was your first sign of maybe something wasn't right ...I ask them now... because I am curious . Well , my uncle pipes up, I came home for supper one night and she has this wonderful casserole with a thick spaghetti like sauce in it. I eat it he continues but I think there is something missing but don’t say anything , next day I ask her if there is anything else that should maybe be in this sauce and she says no..... and then she burst out laughing and said Gee...I forgot to put the noodles in ! Well we all laugh at that and I marvel at my uncles desire not to be disrespectful to her cooking ...omg , that is too funny! When this disease first got diagnosed my aunt and uncle decided to go and do and see everything they could before it would become difficult to do so. They travelled to many different countries either flying or cruising, travelling as much as they could and they made incredible memories. They did it right I think to myself...enjoy today and do it ...don't wait until it is too late and circumstance makes it impossible.
I tell her I will never forget when I was 13 yrs old and a well to do aunt from my dads side had invited me back with them to Ontario to spend a couple weeks vacation, I was so excited ! My mom said a flat out no...you don't even have a suitcase ...and I am NOT sending you to her with your clothes in a bag (I think she was embarrassed )! I remind my aunt how she came through for me ... and lent me her really nice suitcase and I think she even made sure I had something nice to put in it (I just remember the suitcase and how happy I was that she made it possible for me to go). Her suitcase came back worse for wear and she scolded me (she didn't remember that ) and I felt sooo bad , but she also forgave me.
We settle back into the living room while my uncle does the cleaning. So did he go back up north I ask my aunt .... she looked at me and said no....not even for one more rotation.. he stayed home and found a job back here . Wow... it was just a fact and sometimes you need to do what you need to do for the well being of all. I give my aunt a really big hug and tell her how much I love her as tears flow from my eyes as they are right now.
What were you two talking about in the living room my uncle asks me as I am leaving ..."oh" I say " I am going to write a story about you two" ....I tell him, "and I will send it to you" as I give him a big hug and tell him how much I love him too.
Yesterday , May 5th my uncle Gary and Auntie Marilyn celebrated 52 years of marriage!
this is a true love story
a little update from my Uncle Gary
Although completely bedridden now.....She still knows everybody and is
aware of what goes on around her. She hears everything and still laughs
quite a bit, especially when the great grandchildren are over. She never
gets grouchy and never complains, I am so very proud of her.
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